Paperwork ninja's revenge: Carbon Copy Ninja
by Goldenkizamu
Summary: Dead fic Sorry - Sequel to Paperwork Ninja, Day in the Life.
1. Fishing with Katon

**Carbon Copy Ninja (Revenge of the Paperwork Ninja)**

**Prologue: Fishing with Katon**

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Somewhat important Author Note: Rather than following the pattern of **Paperwork Ninja, Day in the Life,** which is a fairly straightforward sketch of a Wednesday in Konoha, **Carbon Copy Ninja** tells the story of Iruka's revenge on Kakashi through a combination of reminiscing from Post-**As Need Be** Sasuke and First Person 'real time' Neji, Iruka, and Possibly a few other characters. Complicated, isn't it? I'm not sure if I can pull off the effect that I'm looking for, which is to tell the story of Iruka, Neji, and Sasuke's relationship while relating the story of Kakashi's bad day as seen through their eyes. I'm trying to improve myself as a writer, and any constructive comments would be appreciated. What worked, what didn't, and what I need to clarify. Thank you!

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_**Sasuke, remembering**_

_We don't know each other. _

_That is the game that Neji and I have played for years despite, or perhaps because of, Iruka-sensei's annoyance with it. Always I was 'Cadet', then 'Rookie', and now just 'Uchiha' while he is simply 'Hyuuga.' You might think he would dislike the constant reminder of his family, but that isn't so. After all, the Head of the Family is often simply referred to as 'Hyuuga' rather than his name. _

_So we have our rituals of introductions and pretense. They're a joke by now, a private joke that few others understand. So when we met in the hall before our first Chuunin exam, of course he had to ask who I was. And of course I didn't tell him. _

_We know already. _

_I am the lone Uchiha whose entire clan was wiped out by my power-obsessed older brother Itachi. I have sworn an oath of vengence against him. I nearly made the worst mistake of my life in an attempt to gain power to defeat him faster; I almost killed my best friend. I was pulled back by the teacher I thought had abandoned me. Now I have something of a family, even if it is haphazard and dysfunctional. _

_He was the Hyuuga prodigy doomed to second place by his Clan's traditions, orphaned by his father's sacrifice for the sake of the Main house. He nearly killed his cousin once in a fit of rage, slowly destroying himself with hate and self-pity. He was brought back from the brink by the uncle he thought responsible for his father's death. Now, perhaps he will find his family, too. _

_Hyuuga's cold genius used to bother me. Itachi was equally exceptional and equally disillusioned by the limitations imposed on him by his clan. The similarity is disturbing when approached from this direction, but I do not fear that Hyuuga Neji will follow Itachi's example. _

_Iruka-sensei would kill him._

* * *

**Neji, as it happened**

"Oh, you're coming, Cadet-san?"

"Hn!"

Iruka-sensei didn't even pause when I joined them, leaping for the next branch with an ease I was still acquiring. "Neji, don't provoke Sasuke unless you've been learning to dodge explosive fireballs."

I gave my younger Uchiha counterpart a sharp look. He spun in the middle of the leap from one tree to the next, his typical smirk replaced with a bland expression obviously copied from Sensei's friend Genma. Only his eyes betrayed that he was pleased at the praise.

We continued eastward for many minutes before Iruka-sensei spoke, but the silence wasn't awkward; it was a companionable silence I found relaxing after the constant chatter of my new teammates. He said, "Today our lesson is fishing, Ninja style. Then a really fresh lunch, and then sparring practice if you're up for it."

"I am." I replied, quickly echoed by Cadet.

Shortly after that we arrived at out destination, a small lake formed by the confluence of three streams, all teaming with fish this time of year. It was still early in the morning, and I recalled from somewhere that sunrise and sunset are the best time of day for fishing.

Iruka-sensei dropped his pack at the edge of the water with a clank that sounded suspiciously like cooking pots. _At least fresh lunch isn't going to be raw._ I thought as I placed my own day pack down. Iruka-sensei had said to pack for a long day, so I had brought a few snacks and a clean set of clothes. It seemed Cadet had received the same message, as he was also dropped a small bag of gear into the pile with a clunk.

"Lecture, Demonstration, or Trial and Error?" our sensei asked, and I decided to consult Cadet before answering. We exchanged a look. A slight shifting of weight, a quirked eyebrow, and an almost imperceptible nod later and we had reached a consensus.

"Demonstration." we said together, making Iruka laugh. He always found our silent exchanges amusing, even though we had seen him do the same thing with some of his friends. Sasuke and I don't need to speak a lot to understand each other.

So we stood and watched as Iruka-sensei waded into one of the streams, his movements leaving surprisingly small ripples in his wake. I activated my Byakugan and realized that Sensei was using his chakra to calm the water around him so to not disturb the fish. He moved quietly upstream until he found a fish lazing in the shade of a bush, then eased over to the stand beside it, his hands moving smoothly through the water. He stroked the fish's belly without disturbing its gentle swimming, then in a single motion scooped the fish out of the water and onto the bank, the sudden movement startling us as much as it did the fish. The fish flopped around on the bank for several moments before Sasuke caught it. It was not a very large fish, and Sensei motioned for him to put it back in the water.

"Fish tickling." Sensei said as he stepped out of the water and sat down next to the packs. "An exercise in patience, chakra control, and precision. To make it more interesting, let's have a little contest: whoever catches the most fish decides which training ground we use for sparring."

"Area seven." Cadet said immediately, shooting me an intense look that I ignored.

"Area sixteen." I countered. Familiarity with the terrain aside, area seven is a largly open area that would suit the long-range attacks of the Cadet, while area sixteen almost guaranteed the close-combat I prefer.

"Alright. You have until I'm done with this stack." Iruka-sensei pulled out a pile of reports and his famous red pen.

"Friday's essay?" Sasuke asked, and when Sensei nodded the cadet shuddered. I remembered Sensei's written tests well and was glad to have graduated to genin rank. Even if my team was far from perfect, dealing with Lee and Gai-sensei was probably preferrable to essay tests.

We experienced many false started during the first hour or so. The fish seemed to sense our movements, and calming the water was not as easy as Sensei made it look. After a while we adjusted to the style of moving and were able to approach the fish, though tickling them onto the bank was still difficult. We'd caught perhaps a dozen fish between us, very few large enough to keep, before I realized that Byakugan was capable of detecting Fish-chakra. The chakra-based sight removed the water's displacement from the equation, my success rate improved greatly. My younger counterpart had no such advantage.

Sensei's pile of papers grew shorter, and my lead grew. Soon it was to much for the Cadet. He growled as another fish wriggled from his grasp and landed back in the water. "Isn't that cheating, Iruka-sensei? Hyuuga is using his Byakugan against the fish."

"Hmmm." Iruka looked up from his nearly completed stack of papers, "We didn't say anything about not using Jutsu, so I would say not. Perhaps you should have thought the contest all the way through before you began?"

"He is just upset because he has no useful skills to use." I said as I flipped another fish onto the bank. The young Uchiha glared, and I returned to him the bland look he'd given me earlier. Then his eyes lit up, and I had a sudden feeling of unease.

"Jutsu are allowed?" he asked Sensei, who nodded. He turned deliberately to face the pond, his hands moving into familiar forms. Horse, Tiger... My eyes widened, and Sensei abruptly stood, the beginning of a shout on his lips.

Too late.

"Fire Release! Explosion Fireball!" the academy student cried, and with a great boom the water of the lake launched itself into the air, along with many fish, turtles, frogs, lily-pads, and small rocks. A very short moment later the echo boomed off the nearby bluff, and all the birds in the area took flight, squawking and shrieking their distress.

The stunned expression on Iruka-sensei's face was almost worth the indignity of getting hit by a falling turtle. Cadet saw and started laughing, and the pure absurdity of the situation took over and we were all laughing like maniacs when curious shinobi started to appear in response to the explosion.

The Cadet later claimed that the stunned expression on my face was certainly worth the lecture on ecology and the object lessons in stealth that followed (that all the essays had been soaked and destroyed was something of a bonus to his absent classmates). Much later Iruka-sensei admitted that the looks on the faces of the response team that had deployed to investigate the explosion and steam cloud were almost worth the embarrassment of having to explain their little fishing accident.

A quick count of explosion traumatized fish revealed that Cadet had won our fishing contest, and he went on to win the sparring match we had in his open field. But forever after that time, when things were too boring or too tense, one of us would say "Let's go fishing!" and we would all laugh.

* * *

End Author Note: 

Ah! I got the idea of Sasuke fishing with a fireball late one night and had to write it! A true plot-bunny attack. I'm kind of surprised no one else has thought of that before. I mean, we've all heard the legend of the guy who was fishing with dynamite, right?

As for Neji and Sasuke knowing each other: the first time I read the meeting in the hall before the Chuunin exam I thought that something more was going on. Both Neji and Sasuke seem way too smug for an exchange that netted them very little information, as if they were making some joke at the expense of everyone else present. Thus, I have decided that they were friends before that, but had no desire to reveal that to anyone.

Next time: Jounin Stalking, about halfway written as of this posting.


	2. Jounin Stalking

Carbon Copy Ninja 

Chapter one: Jounin Stalking

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Note: Fishing with Katon takes place the Saturday after Day in the Life. Iruka's section of this chapter begins the following Monday, Shino and Pakkun's would be the Wednesday of the next week.

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**Sasuke, Whining.**

Iruka-sensei is not impressed. He is hard to impress with combat moves with no other utility, and that seems to be all Hyuuga and I have to show him these days. To hear him tell it, Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei are two of the biggest fools in Konoha, to never properly train the eyes at their disposal. We argue (in our own, monosyllabic way) that using out superior eyesight in combat is a perfectly valid use, to little avail. Iruka-sensei is unmoved by Chidori and Kaiten.

Iruka-sensei is biased. Iruka-sensei is not a famous combat ninja. Iruka-sensei is a semi-retired spy turned counter-intelligence agent, teacher, and redeemer of Lost Causes. Iruka-sensei is a prankster. But most importantly, Iruka-sensei is horribly, terrifyingly patient. Hyuuga and I know this because he has used 'the eyes at his disposal' to plan diabolical pranks on those he felt had wronged him, and amusing pranks on those he considered too uptight.

I remember very clearly the Carbon Copy Ninja prank. Hatake Kakashi, infamous Copy Ninja and elite Jounin, had somehow provoked Iruka-sensei into declaring war. The crime was not specified to Hyuuga or I, though Genma-the-freeloader made some typically obscure comments about Kakashi calling Iruka his 'copy'.

Iruka-sensei went to work slowly, placing his pieces with great care and malicious forethought. He laid out the initial steps of his plan during dinner after the famous fishing trip, enlisting the help of Hyuuga and I with the blithe assumption that we'd be willing. Of course, we never objected, and can't complain.

"Step one," Iruka-sensei began, "is to...

_Evaluate target for weaknesses. _

_Problem: Stalking Jounin is a notoriously dangerous pastime, even for ex-spies. Also, Iruka-sensei is a very busy man, with little time to spare stalking lazy Copy Ninjas. _

_Solution: ..._

-------------------

**To Ask Permission: Iruka**

The initial discussion with Sandaime-sama went something like this...

"And so, to counteract this tendency to over-focus on flashy combat jutsu, I'd like to assign this as an exercise in both observation and stealth."

"You want to send Ninja Cadets to stalk Jounin and Chuunin as a class exercise."

"Yes."

"Because one of your students used a explosion jutsu to blow up a lake?" The pipe was tamped with great deliberation, an obvious attempt by our great Hokage to prevent himself from repeating the loud belly laugh he'd issued when I'd brought up the exploding lake incident.

"Because many of my students think that they can fight their way out of any situation."

"And this will teach them otherwise?"

"It will emphasize that combat is not the primary purpose of ninja." I knew that I sounded defensive, but could not seem to mask that feeling.

"Ah, I see. You wish to corrupt the youth." Sandaime's smile was idyllic, his eyes narrowing to upturned V's in his mirth.

"Since when is advocating a violence-optional approach to missions considering corrupting the youth?!" I felt the familiar anger bubbling up in my mind, even as another part of me knew that Sandaime was just teasing. "Fighting! Combat power! It's all half this village cares about! Being a good ninja is not always about who's the fastest or the toughest! Sometimes it's about hiding and stalking and knowing more about your opponent than they know about you!" I noticed the Hokage trying to say something, but I was too wound-up to stop until I was done. "I want my students to survive their missions! I don't want them thinking they're invincible! So I'll assign them to stalk Jounin, who will show them that all the showy combat moves don't matter much when your target is that skilled. I want them to be noticed and have to run away to not get caught."

"Isn't that something better taught by their Jounin-sensei?"

"Only by some of them. I've heard rumors of who might be getting these teams." I glowered slightly at my boss, a prerogative that I barely noticed anymore. "Call me over-protective, but my students usually survive."

"Agreed." a nod, then, "In that tradition, you will make sure to pick Jounin that won't kill your students, yes? Some of them have been nervous lately."

"I promise to only pick Shinobi who are capable of understanding that Cadets on a training exercise are not to be killed by overactive stabbity reflexes. I might have to dip into the upper ranks of the Chuunin or retirees to do it, but I'm sure I can find them if I turn over enough rocks."

"Are you _sure_ this has nothing to do with that VA-1 from a few days ago?"

"I never said it did or that it didn't." I returned the smile I'd been getting, my mood lightening with the thought. "I am looking forward to oh-so-sweetly telling Kakashi that he'll be stalked by my best student, though."

"I guess I'll have to call a formal meeting if I want to see that, won't I?" Sarutobi flipped open his schedule book, obviously looking for a good time to gather together the ninja on my still-forming list.

"Yes, though I'll tell you now, I have a very special student in mind to stalk you."

"Oh?"

"I hope you like Orange."(1)

----

_A Special Assignment, Origins of a Team: Shino_

Shino frowned. He was suddenly aware of the prickling of his senses that indicated he was under observation, yet his allies had not warned him of anyone except his target in the area. _Unless..._ He turned towards the nearby trees, "Hinata-san?"

A few moments later the short-haired girl emerged from the woods, a small group of kikai bugs resting peacefully in the hollow of her upturned palms, feeding on the altered chakra she was emitting for them. "S-Sorry Shino-san, I didn't want to bother you."

"If you will explain how you have suborned my allies, I will be much less bothered." Shino said as the erring kikai returned lazily to his person.

"Um.. That is.." She looked down at her now empty hands, tapping her fingers together gently as was her wont. "I used the sleep genjutsu we learned last month. Err.. a variation of it."

"Explain." Shino's clipped words discouraged argument without crossing the line into sounding demanding or threatening. Hinata explained quickly, and soon Shino understood how she had altered her chakra to disrupt the kikai's when they absorbed it. His allies needed to learn to resist the urge to feed on chakra unless commanded, he decided. But that was not his primary concern today. "What are you doing here?"

"Watching Neji-Oniisan. Izumo-san asked me to watch him today."

Shino considered this news in light of his own assignment. Iruka-sensei announced a new test for his class eight days ago. To improve and test their stealth and observation skills, they will each be assigned to observe a senior shinobi of the village and report all they can find out. They will be performing the assignment in phases, at the rate of six cadets per week it will take five weeks for all the students in the level to complete the task.

Iruka-sensei asked that Shino remain after class was over, and related to him that his version of this assignment would be different from his classmates'. Shino's task was not to observe a single Jounin, but "to determine by whatever means necessary which shinobi each of his classmates had been assigned to observe." Iruka-sensei provided a written set of orders along with the order that his fellows would be given the task.

Thus far Shino's task has not proved exceptionally difficult, as of the initial group of cadets, only Hyuuga Hinata was able to elude his Kikai patrols. Direct observation allowed him to discover that her target was one Izumo Kamizuki, a surprisingly elusive friend of Iruka-sensei that is heavily addicted to coffee. Unfortunately, directly observing Hinata-san led to Izumo-san capturing both of them through the agency of his room-mate, Kotetsu Hagane, and an animated rope(2). Hinata-san was terribly embarrassed and was certain that she had failed. Shino was not pleased, either. However, Kamizuki said that he would forgive this slip if Hinata and Shino would stalk someone else of his choice sometime during the next week. Shino had not expected that target to be Neji Hyuuga.

"Your cousin came this way as well?"

"Yes."

"I shall not interfere with your task, as I know you will do my the same courtesy."

Hinata smiled and bowed very slightly. "Of course, Shino-san..."

She started to walk away, but Shino realized that her eyes would be a great asset if both his target and hers were in the next training field. A few moments later a returning kikai scout confirmed that this was the case. "My orders do not preclude teamwork and my allies have located both our targets." He said, "Your skills in camouflage and knowledge of your cousin's abilities would be useful. Will you accompany me?"

She looked surprised at his words, but quickly she nodded, "Yes."

They skirted the practice field where their targets had met, selecting a tree sufficiently far away to avoid easy detection and tall enough to give us an excellent over-view of the pair. Hinata motioned that they should remain close to the tree's trunk to disguise their chakra as much as possible, and Shino used his kikai to create a convincing 'bee hive' to explain any movement that might catch their targets' eyes. They decided on this plan with a minimum of unnecessary talk, which pleased Shino greatly and did not discomfit Hinata either. She did say that she thought perhaps Neji had planned to spar with Sasuke. That seemed a logical conclusion to the Kikai user. In Shino's observations of him, Uchiha Sasuke did very little that was not training in one form or another.

What the pair saw when they reached their viewing platform was not a sparring match as they expected, but obviously a planning session. The two dark-haired prodigies huddled over a map of the village that was spread out atop a picnic table on the edge of the training ground, making marks on it with several shades of pencil. Shino was mildly surprised to see the last Uchiha interacting so energetically with Neji, of all people. Though they could not hear the conversation, the pair argued with evident emotion before drawing some sort of compromise.

"They've marked several places on the map with days and times." Hinata said softly, the veins around her white eyes moving slightly as she spoke, "A book-store, an apartment building, and maybe a few of the training fields. I think they were arguing about marking a restaurant more than once. They put a question mark by the second date."

"My allies see the Hokage's tower and the memorial stone as well." Shino was making notes on the scroll he'd devoted to his assignment, though he was unsure of their relevance. "I did not know that your cousin and the Uchiha were friends."

Hinata shifted uneasily from one foot to the other, "I've seen them both with Iruka-sensei a few times. But Neji-Oniisan wouldn't help Sasuke cheat, so it must be ok?"

"Iruka-sensei did not mention your cousin to me, but Sasuke started his task on an unusual timetable. It is possible that he was also given a customized set of mission orders."

"He is at the head of our class." Hinata whispered softly.

"Though not by as much as in previous years." Shino agreed. A long moment of silence followed as he collected and ordered his thoughts. Hinata reported the marking of a green-grocer and a laundry facility, which he noted diligently before continuing his reasoning, "I have observed that Sasuke and Iruka-sensei have a greater relationship which causes our teacher to hold him to a higher standard. It would be consistent with past events for Sasuke's task to be more difficult than typical, perhaps requiring your cousin's help. As you know, this task was not present on the basic syllabus that was distributed at the beginning of the term. I have reason to believe that Iruka-sensei has other motives for causing many of the village's shinobi to be under observation at once, perhaps to disguise his interest in the actions of a particular individual or group within the pool of subjects. Our encounter with Izumo-san and Kotetsu-san confirms this, as they were also very curious about which shinobi had been selected as targets."

Hinata turned to look at him about halfway though his monologue. Though she did not need to turn to see him, it was rude amoungt outsiders not to. It was, she realized, one of the longest speeches she'd heard the other boy make outside of an oral report for class. She looked away again, not wanting to call attention to it. "Then.. maybe.. Iruka-sensei assigned Sasuke-san and Neji-niisan to watch whoever he's really interested in?"

"Logic suggests that. That Izumo-san asked you to follow your cousin indicates that he thinks that it is true also."

"Who is it?" she wondered aloud.

-------------------

_The Freak Parade: Pakkun_

Normally the leader of Kakashi's nin-dogs, Pakkun by name, would not have bothered attending a mundane taijutsu challenge match between his master and the Broccoli Beast Gai(3). However, his master had been of a paranoid turn of mind for the last few days and had summoned him to keep his nose open.

Unsurprisingly, it had not taken the nin-dog long to discover the general identity of Kakashi's two persistent stalkers: the Uchiha and the young Hyuuga that trained under the Broccoli Beast, occasionally joined by a third unidentified scent that put Pakkun in the mind of chalk and musty scrolls, probably one of the teachers. Which was all the clue Pakkun needed; he'd heard about the cadets' jounin stalking assignments from Aubiz, one of the Hokage tower message hawks and king of the Summon and Companion gossip vine. Wanna-be ninja who had yet to earn a forehead protector fell into the category of things Pakkun was willing to let his master work out for himself, especially since Aubiz said the teacher had informed Kakashi about it personally (4).

Today was looking to be more interesting than normal; both the Uchiha and the Hyuuga were in attendance, and Pakkun scented Aburame kikai somewhere nearby. The Hyuuga he noticed first, well hidden but upwind. It is a common failing of Hyuuga to think only in terms of sight, and to assume that no one could see them when they hid. Pakkun noticed the Hyuuga making scout signals to someone to Pakkun's right. The Uchiha had taken the wind into account, and had used something to confuse his scent, forcing Pakkun to locate him by calculating lines of sight from the Hyuuga's position.

Pakkun was about to climb up to talk to the Uchiha when he caught a female scent and was put back on his guard. _Young female Hyuuga_ his nose told him, _with young male Aburame. That would explain the Kikai._ He moved several yards to triangulate the new pair's position, but the Uchiha beat him to it. Pakkun moved quickly enough to overhear most of the their whispered conversation.

"Sensei didn't say anything about this."

"Nor did he mention Neji Hyuuga, but he is obviously working with you, Sasuke-san." the Aburame answered smoothly.

"It was approved."

"Then be aware that our task is similarly approved and do not let our presence distract you."

"You're interrupting my valuable lesson in humility." the Uchiha said with a straight face, but his voice had an odd tone to Pakkun's ears.

The Hyuuga girl's face turned from embarrassed to startled, "Humility?" she squeaked.

"The dog keeps finding us." Sasuke explained testily, "My goal is to elude it for a whole day. So far, no luck."

The Aburame looked as thoughtful as one of his clan could, "Perhaps your approach could be improved, What..."

Pakkun decided that Kakashi was in no danger from this group and moved off. He wanted to try sneaking up on the Hyuuga again. The first time he'd succeeded and startled the obnoxious brat into angry challenges was well worth an encore performance.

-------------------

(1) Just how did Naruto know how to get into the Hokage's house, anyway?

(2) Which of course had no relation at all to the one encountered by Raidou and Hayate a few weeks prior. Nor did Shino and Hinata end up snared by it. They did not take a vow to never reveal the incident to any of their peers onto pain of Pain. Really!

(3) Tomodachi once compared Gai to a broccoli stalk; long and green with a funny looking top, velveeta orange leg-warmers, and a tough bunchiness that looks strange no matter is done with it. Bull added that Gai would make an excellent low-fat high-fiber snack; good for you but horrible tasting. All the nin-dogs agreed that it was a good description, thus began Broccoli Beast Gai, the Anti-treat.

(4) the downside to being too hip to pay attention at meetings, one would guess.

Yes I know it took forever. Yes I know that the revenge has yet to begin. I can say 'Sorry', I guess, if You want. I like to call this a combination of writers block ( I could not figure out a way to end it) and a desire to make the title relevant by modifying the outline a bit. Including Shino, Hinata, and Izumo allow me to do that much more easily. Thank you for reading!  



	3. Like No Other

Carbon Copy Ninja 

Part 2: Like No Other

* * *

_**Neji, Bristling**_

_Talent is something a person is born with, a boon of nature that raises the gifted over those not so lucky. Sometimes the gifted talent is so great that it is hailed as genius. That fate had gifted me with genius while restricting me to the branch house was a profound irony that I was forced to accept early in life. But, a genius is a genius, and that always has its perks. I garnered admiration at least equal to the Uchiha's, but less fanatical fan-girls. Even the academy teachers were somewhat partial to me because of my genius. _

_All but one. _

_He wasn't my homeroom teacher; we only had lessons with Iruka-sensei a few times a week, for History, Geography and Culture, and often for the Friday Seminars. Iruka-sensei's live trap demonstrations using fellow teachers as targets were always a smash hit, often gaining a greater audience of Chuunin and a few special-Jounin who would watch from the upper gallery of the gymnasium. _

_Once he subbed for our class when our main sensei was ill, and he called me over during our Taijutsu practice session. "You're Hizashi's son, Neji?" I nodded, and he went on. "Hakka-sensei says that you're quite the genius." _

_I smiled and nodded, not about to disagree with Hakka-sensei's assessment. _

_Iruka-sensei smiled back and stood, taking up a relaxed fighting stance. "Prove it."_

* * *

**Dancing on the Ceiling**

"The problem with Kakashi is that he's too leggy. It throws my balance off."

"Not a leg man?" Izumo smirked over the scroll he was examining.

"No, always been about the hair and eyes." Iruka muttered as he walked back up the wall to hang from the ceiling once more.

A pause, "Then... Kakashi?" Unspoken words hung in the air, words like 'bushy, gravity-defying' and 'eye, singular, frequently closed.'

"Irrational, totally irrational." Iruka shook his head ruefully. "Don't worry though, I've been wondering lately what I saw in him, too."

"Pre-prank scrutiny is harsh," Izumo chanted, "Pre-prank scrutiny is brutal. Any attempts at seeming nice, ultimately are futile."

"How long did it take you to come up with that crap?!"

"Half an hour?"

"You're supposed to be studying that scroll! Not coming up with poetry! Especially bad poetry!"

"I was distracted by the leggy bastard doing forms on the ceiling." Izumo said blandly, taking another sip from his infamous mug, "Besides, we have until dawn. I wasn't planning on sleeping, and you won't need to for a week. What's your rush?"

"That it might take until dawn, and I'd like to get some breakfast before the fun starts."

"Hmmm." Izumo made a show of studying the scroll again. "Who did you get to take your class?"

"My body double."

Izumo whistled, impressed.

* * *

**Rise and Brood**

_Tap-tap-tap!_ on the window pane. "Get up!"

"I am up." the owner of the apartment drew the shade to reveal the culprit, unlocked his window with a sigh, then returned to systematically seeding his clothing with various sharp implements, "What do you want, Hyuuga?"

"Fate has decreed today to be the day of Jounin punishment." Neji announced with a certain uncharacteristic glee.

"Shut up about fate, you idiot." The last Uchiha moved out of his bedroom on silent feet, "Iruka-sensei has declared today to be the day, if anybody has."

The taller boy frowned, but remained silent as Sasuke prepared his breakfast. He accepted the offered sweet roll with an appreciative grunt as the last Uchiha sat down to eat. The sound of chewing dominated the small kitchen for about two minutes before Neji tired of waiting. "What has you vacillating so obviously?"

"We're having guest speakers today." Sasuke kept his voice level, "The Hokage will be giving a seminar about Ninjutsu this afternoon. Yuuhi-sensei is doing Genjutsu in the morning, and attendance isn't required, but..."

Neji understood the implications immediately. By arranging the seminars Iruka-sensei had made his own absence less noticed, Sasuke's much more so. Their plan to fake illness and spy on 'Kakashi' one more time had been effectively stalled. "All the teachers know that you would not miss today for sickness, if you were forced to crawl from your death-bed."

"Anyone who takes their training seriously will be there. Which means the loud-mouths and the lazy-asses won't provide their usual distractions."

This was met with a nod. Neji had seen that class enough times to know all about the various rowdy cadets. His mind ran over several of the alternate scenarios, but none merited immediate articulation. He let his eyes slide away from the Cadet's thoughtful, frowning face. He found himself examining the scrolls currently pinned to the wall above the table. A large square displayed the common diagram of Five Elements and their interactions forming a star, with the associated seals illustrated. Another diagrammed the optimum angles for Ninja-wire and kunai, while a third showed a chart of the strengths and weaknesses of the fighting styles embodied in the leading Konoha Clans.

His gaze stopped on a chaotic chart of arrows and archaic symbols that always seemed on the edge of comprehension, but proved untranslatable. A light tap with a chakra-charged finger caused the diagram to shift into a neatly balanced nine-pointed star, then into a single horizontal slash meaning 'one' followed by a swirl of conflicting colors melting and blending at the edges. He pulled his hand away and the chart settled back into a disorganized chart, though not the same as the original had been. "Genius." Neji read from the top of the page, the only constant mark. "He gave you this thing too?"

"Yesterday." was the perfunctory answer.

Neji's brow furrowed, "I haven't been able to come up with an answer that he likes."

Sasuke blinked, swallowing the last bite of his roll hastily. "It's a question?"

"'What is genius?'" The Hyuuga chided him in an earnest but ineffective copy of Iruka-sensei's lecture tone. "'What quality makes one person a genius and leaves another merely talented?' That's what he asked me, and he is refusing to teach me how to properly redirect tenketsu until I come up with an answer."

"Genius..." Sasuke muttered, "is a lot of things. Including turning annoyance into advantage." He smirked as an idea formed and appeared at first glance workable. "Hyuuga, what do I find most annoying?"

The Hyuuga genin blinked before answering, "Your fan base. Yamanaka Ino, Haruno Sakura, Inuzuka Kiba, and Uzumaki Naruto. Platitudes. Nosy old women who cluck over you and assure you that time will heal everything. Other people talking about your family in the past tense. Being compared to your brother. Essay Tests-"

"You're the one who hates essays." Sasuke pointed out. "I hate platitudes and those damn old women talking about my family. They're always nagging me to spend more time praying for the souls of the dead. Two of them cornered me last night in the grocery."

"So...?"

"I'm going to buy some flowers." Sasuke nodded, pleased with himself.

Hyuuga are by nature and nurture gifted with an exceptional ability to stare. Neji exercised every bit of that inborn talent for a long moment, letting the full weight of his skull-piercing gaze bore into his opponent's forehead. It was several moments before Sasuke relented, a long time for most non-Hyuuga.

"Flowers for the Shrine. Nosy Ino will ask, I won't say, she'll guess from the types of flowers I buy, she'll tell the others, and Yuuhi-sensei will hear them. I'll take the flowers to the shrine and leave a note here requesting solitude in case someone decides I need comforting." He reached over to flick the chaotic scroll, resetting it to the "one" configuration. "And that, is genius."

* * *

**Cool and Hip**

Iruka emerged from the Hokage's tower into the spotty sunlight of partly cloudy, chance of rain. He reached into his combat vest and produced with appropriate flourish a signed, limited-edition copy of Jiraiya's classic work Icha Icha Special Edition 2: An Excess of Princess a scandalous tale of intrigue, romance and the erotic adventures of a Ninja-Prince and his girlfriend. Problem: The 'girlfriend' was actually a young male ninja in disguise(1) who needs to find a replacement girlfriend so he can escape his rather obsessive paramour with his virtue intact. Not an easy task in any Icha Icha novel, let alone a special edition. The plot involved an unlikely number of kidnappings, creative if not-very-painful torture techniques, botched rescue attempts, comic misunderstand, unscrupulous use of gender-bending and other staples of the genre that Jiraiya had created for himself. None of it was true, or even plausible.

Flipping to the second chapter, Iruka couldn't help but wonder, _With one eye, how does that bastard read and move at the same time?_ He settled for reading a line of text, scanning his surroundings with the uncovered eye, ambling a little further, then reading another line. He knew where his first target would be this time of day, and ambled down the street towards the woods.

"Check, check. Iruka, you read?" a whisper came over the ear piece hidden under the lopsided headband.

"I read." Iruka murmured, the close-fitting fabric of his mask rippling only slightly as he spoke, "Where is target Bastard?"

"Still near the memorial, but currently in a tree reading." the voice of Raidou assured him.

"Check."

"Target Green(2) is still in area 14." a different voice came over the same circuit, this one bearing the tell-tale lisp of an interfering Senbon.

"Proceeding towards target Green."

"We'll be waiting." Genma assured him.

Fifteen minutes of ambling and about seven pages later Iruka entered training area 14, better known in recent months as the Zone of Youth. Several training logs populated one end of the clearing, conditions ranging from newly replaced to the extreme end falling apart, each riddled with holes from kunai and splintered by the punches and chakra enhanced strikes of the Squad of Youth. Of course, most of the ninja in Konoha called them 'Team Gai.'

This early in the day the only inhabitants of the Zone of Youth were the Great Broccoli Beast and his equally green apprentice, Celery-Lee, practicing their forms until their green spandex glistened near as brightly as their teeth. Iruka moved casually closer, a calculated bend in his path swung his trajectory slightly away from a direct course. His path would take him through the clearing and back out again without intersecting either of the spandex warriors if it wasn't interrupted.

Odds of Gai ignoring him, according to Kotetsu's calculations: fractionally better than the odds that Asuma would quit smoking and Kurenai would declare her love for Ebisu in the same week. A meteorite could fall from the sky and wipe Gai from the earth, but Iruka wasn't betting on that happening, either.

"Ah, my eternal rival! Have you come to partake of the youthful morning and train with us today?"

"Oh, Gai." Iruka smiled in mock startlement, his one visible eye closing into the upward curve of Kakashi's patented 'smily eye' expression. "Good morning."

"Lee!" Gai motioned for his student to pause in his workout to attend to him, "Observe how casually my esteemed rival acts, despite seeking me out on this lovely morning. If ever you must pretend for the sake of your mission you are not a ninja, you should imitate Kakashi's attitude, as it is most convincing."

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" the green clad youth scribbled into his steno-pad, his expression rapt.

Iruka waggled his finger at Lee, "And no spandex."

"Now Kakashi, I won't have you corrupting my adorable and cute student with your dirty exhibitionist ways."

Iruka lifted his visible eyebrow, _When not wearing spandex means going nude, something is very wrong with the world._ he thought, then turned his attention back to his Icha Icha and waited.

"So have you come to continue the challenge from last week?" Gai's face lit up spectacularly. "I am impressed by your youthful enthusiasm and will gladly accept your challenge to continue our interrupted match despite the disruption to my darling student's regimen. Lee, you are to..." Gai trailed off at Iruka's negating hand motion, "Yes, Eternal Rival, what is wrong?"

"I want to postpone until tomorrow. I have a date at noon I can't miss." Iruka glanced up from his book to bestow a eye-smile on Gai before returning his attention to the smut.

"Ah, my rival has found a lady friend! You must introduce me to her soon, Ka-" again he trailed off at Iruka's shaking head, but he was Gai 'not easily dissuaded' Maito. "So it is not a lady friend? That does not bother me, so you need not be shy. Life is too short to be held back by prejudice! I hope you and your boyfriend find much happiness together!"

Again Iruka was gripped by the desire to buy some toothpaste, but he suppressed it. With greatly affected indifference he shook his head. "No. The next Icha-Icha special comes out today at noon."

These words completed the deflation of Gai. He drooped visibly, but only for an instant before regaining his composure(3), such as it is. "Kakashi, you are wasting the flower of your youth! No matter how much you love your books, they can never love you back! You must find real companionship with real people. As your rival, I cannot allow this wasteful obsession."

Iruka internally cackled at this unexpected development. _Take that Kakashi! I'll even help him! Wahahaha!_ Externally he continued to ignore Gai's exuberance. "Till tomorrow, then?" he didn't wait for an answer but continued his stroll through the clearing, ignoring Gai's protests and declarations until he was out of sight.

Once he was beyond observation, Iruka used a sound-suppressing jutsu and laughed until his stomach hurt. He heard matching laughter over the headset and grinned, "So, stage two?"

"All over it." Izumo's voice bubbled with barely contained, highly-caffeinated glee.

* * *

(1) Jiraiya had wanted to do a special research interview for verisimilitude. Iruka beat him half to death with his own geta. Sandaime escaped similar treatment only because of his many years of experience in determining when it is not a good idea to laugh. 

(2) Target Spandex was vetoed early on by Hayate, who has a surprisingly deadly glare for such a sickly man.

(3) Youth Youth! the power of youth is not so easily defeated!

A/N: Phase two, Icha-Icha Cruelty to commence soon, I promise. As I want to finish this story before the heat death of the universe, I have thrown out my outline and am now essentially winging it. I expect greatly improved progress. Now, you may think, 'How does ignoring the outline speed things up?' Well, I write best and fastest when I can go with whatever strikes me at the time, and it also tends to be funnier. So rejoice!


	4. Icha Icha Cruelty

Carbon Copy Ninja (Paperwork Ninjas' revenge)

Part 3: Icha Icha Cruelty

* * *

_Neji, Musing _

_Some things are best left unspoken. That is a motto and a way of life for many ninja. Ah, blessed silence. But one should not assume that we aren't communicative. Aside from the official hand signs, many of us have developed an advanced system of grunts, sighs, eye-rolling, shrugs, twitches, and other evocative body language by which we make our feelings known to those wise enough to catch on. _

_Inevitably those we wish would wise up never do. Fan-girls are especially blind. They can take a lack of violence in response to their advances and spin a fantasy of unrequited love, heartfelt devotion and imagined engagements. All this from nothing. Kami help you if you should slip up and do something nice, like lend them a pencil. Then you'll be in for it. _

_Unfortunately, there are some words that were neglected by creators of the various hand sign lexicons. Specifically, insults beyond the universal salute. So even the most adept of silent communicators must open their mouths to properly degrade their sparring partners. Sometimes, that's all you'll be able to hear._

* * *

_Later that morning... _

Kakashi yawned, stretched like the cat he was sometimes compared to, tucked his precious book into its special pocket, and hopped down from his perch. His mind was cluttered with speculations about the content of the next volume, currently waiting at Kamiya's book store. Such sweet distraction!

Soon thereafter he strolled into Kamiya's, the store he used for special orders. Kamiya-san could sometimes be persuaded to give him a sneak peak at the stock ordering catalogs detailing the release date, number of pages, and other vital Icha-Icha statistics. "Welcome! Ah, Kakashi-san, you're a little early. The author's instructions were to not distribute until noon."

"I was hoping you'd forget about that little clause." Kakashi mourned.

"Well, I suppose you should get a reward for being early. Shows you have your priorities straight, I always say." Kamiya pulled a box out from under his counter and flourished a small kunai, "Five minutes won't hurt anyone. It'll be our little secret, eh?"

"Of course." the Copy-nin agreed, watching the proprietor open the package and remove the specially wrapped books within.

"Here we are, Icha-Icha Special Volume Four: Fraternizing with the Enemy." he presented the thick, glossy volume with both hands, and Kakashi took it with equal ceremony and respect. "Thank you for your business, Kakashi-san."

"Thank you, Kamiya-san, Jiraiya-sama, Kami-sama." Kakashi pulled the protective plastic away from the cover with great care and greater speed, opening to the first page before he even left the shop.

Like each of the preceding specials, Jiraiya opened this one with a great action-romance scene as a sort of prologue before the opening chapter. _Oh, Asuka is in this one! I love her, she's so- and Ryuusei, too? Jiraiya does love me. Oh Jiraiya-sama, praise to thy name!_ Kakashi read each line with the devoted gaze of a lover and connoisseur of the genre.

All was happy and shiny in Kakashi's world.

Until he turned to the next page.

Now, Kakashi had seen a great number of disturbing images in his time as a ninja; dead people in every possible state and combination of parts, plots so convoluted the executor is betraying himself twice, limbs sprouting from orifices where limbs should never sprout, Asuma in a dress, etc. But nothing had prepared his optic nerve or mind for such an assault.

Maito Gai in his normal spandex outfit Kakashi was accustomed to; Gai naked in a hot spring he had mostly ignored and survived. Maito Gai half-naked and doing a strip tease over the course of a two page spread -in full color- was worse than either of the extremes by several orders of magnitude. Overwhelmed, Kakashi's brain did the only thing is could; it shut down in self defense after a double-fibber that snuck out before unconsciousness carried him away.

"Phase Two, part A complete." Kotetsu reported over Izumo's barely contained giggles(1).

"Iruka's in the bookstore now." Genma reported from his perch.

"Thank you Kamiya-san, see you later." Kakashi's borrowed voice came over the radio a moment later.

"You enjoy now!" was the faint voice of the proprietor.

"Did you say something?"

"Hahaha! Always the joker! Have a good day!"

"Part B complete." Iruka reported a few moment later, the difference between Kakashi's drawl and his more crisp tones coming through the alterations to his vocal cords. "Regroup for observation of part C."

"Heeheehee." was Izumo's contribution.

Kakashi woke with a slight start, but caught his balance before falling from his branch. _Just a dream. Aaah._ He could feel the relief flood his system, washing away the endorphins and panic that had momentarily gripped him. He checked the time and scrambled. He was late! He was never late for Icha Icha!

"No sign he even suspected a Genjutsu." Izumo shook his head as Kakashi leaped past him headed downtown. "He must have thought it was a nightmare."

"That was the idea." Iruka murmured from his hiding place next to Genma.

"Iruka. What sort of technique did you teach Izumo, that he can put Sharingan Kakashi into a Genjutsu and not let him notice?" Hayate spoke for the first time over the circuit, "I know that he is currently the object of your collective contempt, but you must admit the man has skill."

"Yes, tell us, 'Ruka, what is the trick?" Genma nudged him.

He hesitated a moment while Raidou and Kotetsu reported the approach of their victim. "Do you know what 'suspension of disbelief' is?"

"When you go along with the story despite the implausibility of it?" Raidou ventured after a moment of silence.

"Yes. When you read most novels you have to suspend your disbelief. Icha-Icha is particularly bad, since Jiraiya doesn't even try." Iruka explained to the sound of mumbled agreement, "Doing that puts your mind into a receptive mode. Less critical of input because you've already allowed for the fact that it isn't true, isn't plausible, isn't real..." he trailed off.

"Iruka, I knew that you were a sick and twisted individual, but using the fact that Kakashi reads Icha-Icha in public to torment him with reading fake Icha-Icha reaches a height of depraved elegance that I never would have expected from you." Kotetsu informed him with badly suppressed laugh.

"Thank you."

"I blame over-exposure to Ibiki." Genma muttered.

"So that's why you wanted me to wait until he was reading." Izumo's giggle still hadn't left him, and likely wouldn't until the coffee ran out. "Because that's when he was vulnerable."

"That's what father taught me." Irukashi grinned behind his mask.

"Quiet, he's here." Genma interrupted Hayate's next question.

They watched as the real Kakashi entered Kamiya's shop, listening intently. A few moments later they heard the expected shout, and Kamiya's attempt to calm the distraught Jounin.

Scant seconds passed before Kakashi came charging out, his eyes full of vengeance.

"So..." Genma drawled, "I think he took the bait."

"Seems so." Iruka unfolded himself from the cramped alcove. "Time to get to work. Raidou, you ready?"

"Whenever you are, evil one."

"That's what I like to hear."

* * *

_Oof._

"Hello brat." Genma drawled, resettling the weight of a surprised dark-haired proto-ninja onto his shoulder before leaping to the next roof. "You know, you are my favorite of Iruka's brats because of your Sukiyaki, so I'll let you try out the no-doubt brilliant excuse you have for following me."

"Put me down," Sasuke hissed, "You freeloading bastard."

"Hmm... no." the special jounin paused on the side of an apartment building, sticking at such an absurd angle that despite his verbal protests, Sasuke didn't seem all that interested is being dropped.

"We-can't-tell-which-one-is-real." spoken so quickly and so softly that had Genma been anything other than an elite Shinobi (or a mother, or a teacher... anyway), it probably would have been incomprehensible.

"I see. So you came seeking my expert opinion?"

"Hn." another street-spanning leap and Sasuke's grip on the special jounin's vest tightened a little more, though no sign showed in his grunt. Genma briefly wondered if he practiced the casual grunt in the mirror or something; anything to avoid squeaking, he guessed.

"You can help us, then we'll take you to your sensei."

"Us?" Sasuke asked as Genma finally dropped him on the roof of a familiar apartment building.

Izumo smirked at them from atop an air-conditioning unit, obviously hiding something behind the box. "Yes," He giggled as he revealed the hidden prize, which turned out to be a very put-out, tightly bound and gagged Hyuuga Neji, "Us."

* * *

(1) Because Izumo is an accomplished ninja, he managed to catch himself before rolling off the tree branch and onto Kotetsu's head. Because Kotetsu is his friend and partner, but not a soft landing spot. All that hair gel, you know.

Death by Cliff-hanger? Yeah, Probably. Either that or have a hugely long disjointed chapter. Don't kill me? Please?


	5. One Long, Two Short

Carbon Copy Ninja Part 4

Three Conversations. One long, two short:

* * *

"Back so soon, Kakashi-san? Did you forget something?" 

"No, no. I'm here for my special order." Kakashi waved his hands vaguely at the small crate behind the proprietor.

"Ha-ha. That is a very good disguise, whoever you are, but Hatake-san is always very punctual picking up his Icha Icha special orders." He shook his finger at the copy-ninja, "Unlike everything else that's not important! You will have to wait for the general release in two weeks like everyone else."

Breath in, breath out. "Kamiya-San, I am Kakashi, and I haven't picked up my copy yet."

"I told you, you're too late; Hatake-san already picked up his copy. A little early, but I believe Jiraiya-sama would understand, since he's such a fan. Did you know he's been the president of the Ich-Icha fan-club in Konoha for over five years? He's very dedicated."

"Kamiya-san, I am the real Kakashi. Do you remember last year when I grabbed the Hokage's large-print copy by accident? Or the time I had to replace volume two of the original series because Pakkun puked all over it and you had such a hard time tracking down an original printing so the set would still match?"

"Oooh! Kakashi-san! You are you, no imposter would know about those things! I'm sorry, I gave your book to an imposter! Some depraved soul who wasn't up on his fan-club dues tricked me and stole your Icha-Icha!" the old man half-wailed before gaining strength, "I swear I will hunt him down and make him pay! We can sick Anbu on him! I know one of the captains and I'm sure the Hokage will understand the urgency!(1)"

"No, Kamiya-san, I'll find him." Kakashi's voice lost the usual carefree tone, "And he will pay." A pause while they waited for the ominous to settle, then more jaunty. "Do you have any other copies? I know there must be a few other fan-club members with enough points to get a shot at the pre-sale."

"I'm afraid..." Kamiya's clerk voice began, but he stopped to pull a book out of the box. "Actually, Jiraiya-sama always sends a free copy to Umino-sensei, but he's always a few days late picking it up. I have to send a message, let him know it's here, would you believe it? In any case, you might be able to borrow his if you can convince him to come get it. Or the Hokage's copy, but I expect a hunter-ninja along for that shortly. Maybe he can help you once the Hokage has his copy."

"Maybe. Hmm... Umino..." Kakashi's famous memory sorted through images of various academy teachers, trying to put a face to the name. His Icha-Icha deprived mind lingered on Kurenai a moment before he wrenched it away.

"The one with the scar." Kamiya ran his finger over the bridge of his nose to demonstrate, "And a temper."

"Oh! I do know him. Total push-over. Wish me luck."

"Of cou-" Kamiya sighed at the closing door. _Ninja._ "Good luck, Kakashi-san." he told the now empty shop.

"Good luck?" A different voice asked from directly behind him.

"AAAAH!" the poor shopkeeper clutched at his chest, "Hunter-san! Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry..."

----------

"So, the desk-ninja said he would be here, but you say he's not here. Then where is he?"

"He took the day off." Mizuki the harried teaching assistant bit each word off with irritated precision. "Kotetsu or Genma might know, because he didn't tell any of us."

"Right." Kakashi sighed. _Back to the mission office._

----------

"Of course the timing of these exercises are entirely within you control, but you should know there will be consequences."

"I am aware, Hokage-sama. I feel that they will have advantages to offset the timing. After all, we do not schedule these things with our enemies for our convenience."

"Very well, you may proceed. Now get out of here, you're scaring the children."

* * *

(1) yes, six exclamation points in a single paragraph! the Joys of Authorship!

A short chapter, hoping to clarify a little bit. Iruka posed as Kakashi got Kakashi's copy of the new Icha-icha while Kakashi was genjutsu'd. It was a special preorder for devout fan club members: it won't be generally available to the public for a few weeks (proof that Naruto's world doesn't have the internet, or it would be everywhere in that amount of time). The Identity of the last conversationalist is left intentionally ambiguous. All will be revealed... next time! Probably two chapters left, we'll see how it goes.

No Morse code 'D's were harmed in the production of this chapter.


End file.
